Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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