I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Bring me that man meat
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
