Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
