Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
