after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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