I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
