Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
