um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
