Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
