just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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