when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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