there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
