i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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