Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
