just come out here and I will go home with you...
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
