Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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