He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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