Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
