I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
