After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize