I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
