Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
