i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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