he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
