what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
