Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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