I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Im part way to drunk.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
