Farmville is her only friend.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
