Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
