let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
