and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
