I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
