Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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