A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
