FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he laminated a picture of his dick.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
