I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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