It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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