you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
