I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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