I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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