Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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