shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The air taste purple.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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