I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
