apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
