I smell stomach acid.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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