i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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