last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My balls are so social today.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
