i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize