how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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