My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Floor bacon is actually really good
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
