I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
