I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
