the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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