There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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