Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize