Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
