she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
