my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
