I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
