why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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