Umm I'm too high to move.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
