i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
