you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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