I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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