I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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