Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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