just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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