He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
