Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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