the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
