Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
