capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
