I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
